You may be wondering what makes me any kind of authority on difficult conversations, but I’ll tell you, there was a time in my life when it seemed like that was all I had.

As the co-CEO of Primerica during the period when we were trying to separate from Citigroup, I sat with some of the biggest names in the business world. Guys and gals who had gone to Ivy League business schools, people with more degrees than I will ever have, and some of the smartest people I have ever met.

It was daunting, sure, as my southern accent always made me seem a little less intimidating to them than they were to me, but I had two things on my side that helped me through each and every tough conversation I have ever had to have: truth and courage.

I learned that when it comes to a fear of confrontation or handling difficult conversations, calmly telling the truth of the matter is going to be your best bet. It’s scary, I know, because once you’ve told the truth, you can’t control what others will do or say, but what I know is that when I used the truth as my guiding principle, as my true north, when I didn’t add a lot of emotionality tactics on top, I always met my goal, and that felt pretty darn good.

Understanding the Fear of Difficult Conversations

No one wants to have a difficult conversation, but can you imagine a world without them? Can you imagine if the founding fathers of our country had never gotten together to talk about what wasn’t working and what their vision of the future held? Or what about Winston Churchill (arguably the master of difficult conversations)? What if he had never faced the difficult topics that came his way? Can you imagine what a challenging landscape humanity might face right now if it weren’t for the courage of others speaking up?

I alluded to it above, but we’ll circle back here. Difficult conversations often involve telling the truth about something that isn’t going well. We may fear telling the truth because it means that someone might have an unfavorable reaction to it. We might be denied, shut down, or get into trouble. None of those scenarios sounds like something we should want to step into voluntarily, but that’s where our values are important to remember.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear but acting courageously despite it. And truth, well, you’ve probably heard that familiar saying: the truth shall set you free. I believe it because I’ve seen it in action.

Whether we are trying to ensure a particular outcome, avoid getting into trouble, or simply feel that we aren’t capable of making big decisions or handling difficult themes, facing difficult conversations can be one of the quickest and most effective ways to develop genuine self-esteem.

You find yourself walking away from the conversation feeling a little taller, wiser, and more confident than you were when you started. Even if things didn’t go your way, even if you have an amends to make or some action to take as a result, you know that you stared down a demon and came out the other side.

If you look closely, it probably isn’t the hard conversation that you fear, but the unknown that shrouds the conversation with all sorts of faceless demons we superimpose on tough situations in our imagination. When you realize that you have no control over anything but acting righteously, difficult conversations become a lot less intimidating.

The Cost of Avoidance

Stagnation, increased fear, discouragement, and feelings of low self-worth are all prices we pay for avoiding difficult conversations.

You know, I am going to get honest here…to get really real. As I write these words, I’m experiencing a sense of fear and dread. What if I don’t find the right words? What if I am just typing a bunch of nonsense? What if no one will find what I am saying useful? And lastly, what if I don’t have anything useful to say?

All of those things are certainly disquieting, but you know what? I’m going to keep typing. I am going to keep drawing from that well that I know has spontaneous and helpful insights that others can be enriched by.

So, what’s the cost of not typing? I become an island unto myself. I become just another voice in my head that thinks of helpful things to share with others, and then I don’t share them with others. How disempowering is that? I might stop believing that I have anything worthwhile to share with others. I might find my self-worth diminished, I might feel more discouraged, all while my fearful indulgence grows and grows.

Fear is kind of like that mouse in the book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. It might start with a cookie, but then fear wants a glass of milk. And after that? It might lead to fear wanting a straw, a napkin…or a mirror. Fear will never be satisfied with one cookie. Nor will it ever be satisfied with one instance of thwarting my courage; it will ALWAYS want more.

So that’s another cost of avoiding having the difficult conversations: it will only get worse, and harder and harder, as opposed to finding the courage to say what it is that you don’t think you can say, and walking away from the conversation feeling lighter and more empowered.

Practical Strategies to Overcome the Fear

I’ve talked a lot about different strategies for overcoming fear in other blogs of mine. From mindfulness and meditation to breathing, affirmations, and journaling, we’ve kind of covered it all. But I want to tailor this section for overcoming the fear of having hard conversations.

Like I said in my new book, Turn Your Fear into Fuel, fear isn’t there to stop you; it’s there to get your attention. What you do next is what matters.

• Reframe the purpose of the conversation: Instead of seeing the conversation as a confrontation, reframe it as an opportunity. “This is an opportunity to gain clarity and grow toward a resolution.” Instead of focusing on what you fear happening, focus on your positive purpose.
• Prepare. Don’t script: Write down some key ideas you want to convey without outlining a speech. Prepare for emotions, not just for words. Know that you can return to your key ideas if things veer off course.
• Start with shared intentions: Begin the conversation with something like:

“I want to bring this up because I care about our working relationship,” or “This isn’t easy for me, but it’s important because…” It disarms defensiveness and shows you’re not there to attack but to connect.

• Practice in a safe space: Say it out loud beforehand. Role-play with someone you trust or even in front of a mirror. Practicing reduces adrenaline spikes and rewires your brain to recognize it as a doable task.
• Get curious, not defensive: Fear often stems from the unknown. Shift your mindset from proving a point to understanding theirs. Ask questions. Listen more than you speak. You’ll feel more in control when you aren’t trying to “win.” You don’t have to come to a resolution in one conversation. You can listen and then give yourself time to think about what they shared.
• This one is so important! Accept the discomfort: Acknowledge that fear is part of the process. Confidence doesn’t mean the fear disappears; it means you move forward anyway. Use a grounding phrase like, “I can do hard things,” or “Fear isn’t the enemy: avoidance is.”
• Debrief Afterward: Once it’s over, don’t spiral.
  Reflect: What went better than expected?
  What would I do differently next time?
  Celebrate the fact that you did it.
• Long-Term Habits for Confident Communication

So, once you have communicated clearly in a situation you may have dreaded, you might find yourself feeling empowered, lighter, and freer. But do you think fear will never come to call again?

Sadly, fear is such a pervasive part of our humanity that we can expect it to show up time and again throughout our entire lives. There is no life without fear: there is only life in spite of fear. With that in mind, I want to offer you several long-term habits for ensuring you remain a confident communicator despite fear.

• Speak early: Don’t wait until you have so much buried emotion about how you really feel to come out and say something; that usually precipitates an emotional explosion. As you come up against difficult topics and challenging conversations, speak early and speak often before things have a chance to build. If the worst thing about you is that people know where you stand at all times, then I’d say that’s a win.
• Practice speaking with intention: Give yourself a goal like answering the following questions: What am I trying to communicate? What feeling or takeaway do I want to leave behind? This helps you cut through filler and speak more clearly and impactfully, whether you’re in a meeting, on stage, or at the dinner table.
• Get comfortable with silence: Confident communicators don’t rush to fill every pause. Practice slowing your speech. Use silence to gather your thoughts and to let your words land. Silence doesn’t signal weakness; it signals composure.
• Reflect, don’t ruminate: After tough conversations or public speaking, ask yourself what went well, what you learned, and what you’ll try next time. Don’t replay every awkward moment. Extract the lesson and move forward.
• Make communication a daily practice: The more often you practice, even in low-stakes settings, the more second-nature it becomes. Speak up in meetings, give toasts, volunteer to lead discussions, say what you mean, even if your voice shakes.
• Anchor confidence in values, not volume: Confidence doesn’t always look loud. True confidence comes from alignment. Know your values. Know your worth. Speak from both.

Words of Encouragement

I want to reflect back upon the section above called The Cost of Avoidance. In that section, I opened a little window into myself for y’all to see. It’s the scared author behind each and every word, and each and every book and blog.

If I had quit writing up in that section, you wouldn’t be reading these words down here. You wouldn’t have any more practical strategies for how to overcome fear, nor would you have any long-term habits for confident communication. I’d have turned off my computer and walked out to my smoker to check on the meat, and neither of us would be any more served than we were this morning.

But I didn’t quit. I paused. I felt the fear swirl in my stomach. I felt the discomfort. I thought about it. I considered my intentions for writing this blog, and I considered what message I wanted to leave y’all with. I didn’t script it out word for word. I just went in with some ideas to convey.

When I got stuck, I looked to my values to guide me. And when I wasn’t sure what to type next, I just typed the truth. Before I knew it, I had an honest piece written from a service-minded place. But it only worked because I chose not to quit. I chose action…aligned action.

I know that with some courage, tools, and maybe some practice here and there, you can find the strength to master tough conversations, too.

I’ll see you at the top!

Want to know more about how to Turn Your Fear into Fuel? Check out my newest book! 

P.S. It also scared me to write that book, but here we are! Only because I didn’t run from having a difficult conversation.

Why do people fear difficult conversations?

Fear of difficult conversations often stems from the unknown. It’s a fear of conflict, rejection, or losing control of the outcome.

How can I overcome the fear of speaking up at work?

Reframe your conversations as an opportunity to connect. Do not think of difficult conversations as a confrontation. It is often helpful to prepare key points for difficult conversations in advance, focus on your values, and speak with calm intention. Practicing in low-stakes settings can also help build your confidence when it comes to speaking up at work.

What are practical strategies for having hard conversations?

Always speak early before resentment builds, stay curious instead of defensive, and speak in a way that expresses care. It is a good idea to prepare for difficult conversations, but don’t script what you want to say, as that comes across as inauthentic. When it comes to hard conversations, telling the truth is often the most practical strategy.

What happens if I avoid tough conversations?

Avoiding difficult conversations can lead to low self-esteem and growing resentment. Fear feeds on the avoidance every time you back down from a tough conversation. The decision to face hard conversations often leads to empowerment and clarity.

How can I stay calm during a difficult conversation?

Take deep breaths, slow your speech, and give yourself permission to pause in order to maintain clarity during difficult conversations. Use affirmations like “I can do hard things.” Speak with purpose, not pressure, during tough conversations. Remember, silence is a tool, not a threat.

What long-term habits help build confident communication?

Speaking with intention, getting comfortable with silence, reflecting instead of ruminating, and making communication a daily practice are all long-term habits that help build confident communication. Anchor your confidence in your values, not volume.