If a fear is unspoken, can it really be that big of a problem? The truth is, unspoken fears probably account for more problems in the workplace than those that are openly discussed. The ones that are talked about can be brought into the light, managed, and attended to. They aren’t left to become an unseen force that drives decisions and office dynamics. They aren’t the secrets left to quietly run the show.
We all carry around unspoken fears. Sometimes it’s the fear of failing, of not being good enough, of letting somebody down. Other times, it’s the fear of being judged or stepping into the unknown. Deep down, we don’t want to admit those fears because we’re worried we’ll be seen as weak or incapable. As leaders, this is especially true.
The truth is, unspoken fears can weigh us down more than we realize. Left unchecked, they can cause us to pull back from opportunities, avoid tough conversations, and even hurt our relationships. But the first step to beating fear is dragging it out of the shadows and looking at it in the light.
Put on your sunglasses. It’s about to get bright in here.
You’ve made it! You’re a leader, either self-appointed or because someone else gave you an impressive title. Maybe you have a corner office, or maybe you have a large following because you have something of value to say; that part doesn’t matter much.
What matters is the fact that now you feel like you have something to lose.
What if you say the wrong thing? What if you do the wrong thing? What if you don’t know the answer? What if you lead people in the wrong direction? What if your numbers aren’t good enough? What if…what if…what if…? and on into infinity. This is normal human nature, but the truth is, you can “what if” yourself right into a mental breakdown if you aren’t careful.
All those little unspoken fears start to add up in a big way, influencing your subconscious choices and decisions. Before you know it, all your worst nightmares about your ability to lead have come true because you failed to acknowledge those fears and face them.
Famous Swiss Psychologist Karl Gustav Jung once said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” He was talking about those unspoken fears and how they creep right out of your unconscious and into your everyday life, ruining your leadership, your choices, and even the wellness of those around you. Let’s look at why.
There is a spiritual adage that goes something like, “We create what we defend against.” Read that again until it makes sense. I’ll give you an example too.
Let’s say you’re worried that Larry at the head of accounting doesn’t like you, and he’s the vote that matters when it comes to your next promotion. So you try making some moves to tip the needle in your favor. Saying extra nice things behind his back in hopes they will get back to him. Making sure he sees you going above and beyond. Getting him a gift. Bringing him cookies. You get the idea.
You see kindness. You see good acts that work to establish a positive rapport. Yet, Gary sees someone who is willing to talk about him behind his back. He sees someone who is attention-seeking. Someone who is desperate. Now, you’ve created the very circumstance of Gary not liking you, the exact thing you were defending against.
You’ve allowed your unspoken fear of not being liked enough to get your promotion to drive your actions, and that didn’t work out in your favor. It goes like that inside and outside the walls of business; in your intimate relationships, friendships, and with family. In fact, your whole world is created through this principle of acting out of fear versus acting out of a secure and balanced place of love, service, and compassion.
Aside from the cost to yourself and your own growth and development, fear-driven leadership is detrimental to your team. By definition, people look up to leaders. They are watching how you make your moves. If your unspoken fears are driving your leadership choices, it’s going to show in ways you can’t suppress or hide.
Fear-driven leadership keeps the entire team small by limiting both your potential and the potential of those around you. It undercuts every decision, every interaction, and, more than anything, it undermines your confidence in yourself every time you indulge in it.
Over the years, I’ve known my share of folks who have acted quickly because they were too afraid to sit with a tough decision, acted too slowly because they were afraid to pull the trigger, treated people badly because they had a fear of not being good enough themselves, couldn’t delegate because they were too afraid to let others solve problems, and a whole other slew of fear-based leadership offenses.
But there is only fear-based leadership offense that you can’t bounce back from: The one you refuse to recognize, admit is happening, and work on.
I’ve offered lots of strategies for facing fears in my other blogs, and I hope you’ll read those too, but right now I’m going to focus on what I’ve found works to overcome unspoken fears.
Call It by Its Name
You can’t fight what you won’t face. The moment you give your fear a name: “I’m afraid of failing,” “I’m afraid they’ll think I’m not good enough”, it loses some of its power.
Say It Out Loud to Someone You Trust
Fear thrives in silence. When you tell a trusted friend, mentor, or teammate what’s been eating at you, you’ll often find they’ve faced the same thing and lived to tell about it.
Break the Big Fear Into Small, Doable Steps
Instead of tackling the whole mountain, just climb the next hill in front of you. Small wins create momentum, and momentum is the antidote to fear.
Flip the Story You’re Telling Yourself
Instead of “If I fail, it’s over,” try “If I fail, I’ll learn something that will help me in the future.” The way you frame the challenge will determine how you face it.
Remember Your Track Record
Fear makes you forget every hard thing you’ve already conquered. Keep a mental highlight reel of those wins and let it remind you: you’ve got what it takes.
Move Toward What Scares You
Growth doesn’t live in the comfort zone. When you lean into what makes you uneasy, you prove to yourself that fear isn’t the boss of you.
I wrote a whole book on this very topic, but I’ll break it down here for you.
Turning fear into strength is not so much about the ingredients that go in and the product that comes out, but the container in which the process takes place. You’re more like an engine than anything, and fear must be your fuel.
No matter how far you rise up the ranks, you’re going to feel fear. You have to expect it. You can’t avoid it. You can’t run from it. (Well, you can, I suppose, but you’ll never get very far.) Instead, you have to expect it and, in fact, welcome the opportunity to prove it wrong. Let it show you what you can overcome, what you can achieve, and what you can act in the face of.
The key is not to overwhelm yourself with a mountain when overcoming your first molehill is probably the win you need. Take a win anywhere you can get it.
Recognize even the smallest wins. Celebrate them. Find the underlying fears associated with each one, even if you think there might not be any. I’ll bet if you look, you’ll find one or two buried deep down there somewhere.
At the end of the day, leadership isn’t about never feeling fear; it’s about what you do when it shows up. Unspoken fears have a sneaky way of running the show if you let them, quietly steering your choices and shaping your team’s future without you even realizing it. The good news? You don’t have to give them the driver’s seat. Acknowledge they’re in the car, then move ‘em to the trunk.
Call those fears out by name. Share them with people you trust. Take one small, brave step at a time. And remember, every time you face fear and move forward anyway, you’re proving to yourself (and to everyone watching) that you’re the kind of leader worth following.
If this spoke to you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Share your own experiences with unspoken fears, whether you’ve faced them, overcome them, or are still working through them. Let’s start a conversation that pulls fear out of the shadows and puts leadership back where it belongs: in the light.
I’ll see you at the top!
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As Co-CEO of the largest independent financal services company in North America, John Addison’s skill as a leader was tested and honed daily. He retired in 2015 after taking the company and it’s people to massive heights. He’s just not done helping people get to the top. Today, he’s at the helm of Addison Leadership Group, INC working daily to mentor and educate new leaders.
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